Wouldn’t it be great if we could all have a great romance like Wildcats Troy and Gabriella sometime in our lives? Troy and Gabriella seem to have each other’s language figured out; they can even sing to each other. But as I’m sure you’ve surmised, if not yet experienced yourself, the key that makes or breaks a great romance is communication and, unfortunately, it is rarely easy. Boys and girls have been trying to figure each other out for nearly forever, probably all the way back to Adam and Eve—but it never seems to go like it does in the movies, on TV or in romance novels. In real life, boys seem to resemble Jekyll & Hyde (think Superman and Clark Kent except Superman is evil) or some sort of species you can’t quite classify as a human being.
So what does it really mean when a boy ignores you or teases you? We will explore the answer to that question in a bit more detail below but the basic answer is either immaturity or fear. Before we get into that, let me provide you with some assurances. Yes, you are normal and yes, you are either moving into or feeling the reality of “teenagerdome”. The heart beating against your chest like a wild tiger, the millions of faucets in the palms of your hands and summersaults in your stomach when a boy you like comes near you or speaks to you are all normal. It may be hard to remember this when you feel like you are about ready to vomit your lunch (or actually do) but enjoy these feelings; when you grow up and get married, you will miss these feelings.
There are some very important points to remember about adolescent boys: Number 1: Luckily, most of them outgrow their tendencies but as any woman can tell you, some of them don’t. Number 2: Boys care very much about what their friends think of them. Number 3: Boys are afraid of girls, usually because their interest in girls as anything more than sports-buddies has not surfaced or it has and they don’t know what to do about it. Number 4: Boys usually don’t plan their life further ahead than the next week. Number 5: Boys are people, too. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like they are and they don’t act like they are but somewhere in there is more than likely a regular guy who someday does want to be a man with a good job he enjoys, a wife, a family, a house and a dog. Someday, he may even want a mini-van.
So let’s fast-forward and say there is a boy you like, would like to get to know better, go out on a date with him, be his girlfriend, etc. How should you make your feelings known? From personal experience, I do not recommend a passed note saying something like “do you like me, yes or no?” or “will you go out with me, yes or no?”, especially if the only thing you know about the boy is his name. As I found out the hard way more times than I care to admit, this is just too much for the average boy. You may get lucky but all I ever got in response to this approach was nothing, a big fat red-circle around “no”, or teasing from his friends with whom he shared the note — and then your self-esteem goes right down the toilet. Another usually ill-fated approach is asking your friend to ask him or his friend to ask him if he likes you; this involves way more people than needed and it makes it way too easy for him to dole out a rejection. Also, if you think about it, how can you really have a relationship with someone you can’t speak to directly and, even if he does tell his friend to tell your friend to tell you he does like you, how can you have a relationship with someone who can’t speak directly to you either?
The best approach for success and preserving your self-esteem is much more subtle and, unfortunately, one I didn’t figure out until well into high school. It is really quite simple: be nice, be friendly, say “hello”, try to sit by him in class, try to talk to him at sporting events, and try to be where he is—without, of course, becoming a stalker as this will invoke fear of another kind. Be honest but not too honest. Don’t make your opening statement to him “I love you” or “You’re my Troy and I’m your Gabriella”. If he asks you about your feelings, don’t deny them—but don’t count on him asking you this because of that fear, or more likely, because boys just aren’t that observant.
There are various responses a boy will give to you when he starts to recognize your extra attention, starts to figure out you like him, or his friends or someone else enlightens him. Either the object of your affection will respond well, like you back and you and he will move toward a dating, boyfriend-girlfriend situation or you will be faced with some sort of setback. I’ve categorized the most common setbacks in terms of his likely response in the event the boy doesn’t yet like you “that way” below.
Mr. Meanie:
Mr. Meanie resorts to machismo. If he doesn’t directly say it to you, he will likely make you feel like you’re ugly and he wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last girl on Earth. This guy cares way more about what his friends think of him than is healthy. If he actually doesn’t return your feelings, he is mean-spirited and without tact and honesty. If he does return your feelings, obviously, he is still mean-spirited and without tact or honesty but he also hasn’t outgrown his kindergarten days of pulling hair and chasing girls on the playground. If you run into this one, cut your losses and move on. Either way, you deserve much better. Maybe one day he’ll outgrow this but if he doesn’t, he will be a lonely old man.
Mr. Ignorer:
Mr. Ignorer is just so beside himself with how to handle your attention that he clams up. Determining Mr. Ignorer’s specific response can tell you if he likes you. An empty devoid stare when you talk to him signals he probably doesn’t like you back but a shy head lowering suggests he probably does like you back. Even with the latter, be careful; Mr. Ignorer may look like a wounded puppy you want to scoop up and squeeze but you may scare him and he’ll bite you out of fear. Be patient with Mr. Ignorer. Continue being friendly, saying hello, and talking to him; eventually you will soften him, he will learn you are not such a scary being and he will begin to respond. Or you will get bored talking to the proverbial wall and move on.
Mr. Split Personality
Mr. Split Personality is very friendly to you and appears to like you when you are alone but turns into Mr. Ignorer or Mr. Meanie when his friends are around. If a boy is mean to you at any time, he doesn’t deserve you no matter how nice he might be to you when his friends aren’t around. This sort of behavior can develop into a very unhealthy relationship. If his split personality is not quite so opposite, such as he is really friendly to you when his friends aren’t around but just ignores you when his friends are around, all hope is not lost. Keep talking and being friendly to him and his friends. He may eventually realize he has no reason to be so afraid of what his friends think and his personality may even out but, even if it doesn’t, maybe one of his friends could become your next love-interest.
Mr. Passive
Mr. Passive may be very nice to you and even hang out with you but never approaches you, says “hello” to you first, calls you, etc. Mr. Passive may even flirt with you sometimes; generally there will be times you think he really likes you and times you think he doesn’t care one way or the other. This boy probably likes you but just thinks of you as a good friend for now; either that, or he naively thinks you are dating. Status Quo is the way to go with this boy. Keep being friendly and talking to him; his feelings may change but even if they don’t you will have had good practice interacting with boys.
Mr. Committer
Mr. Committer responds very well to your attention but to the extreme. He may act like or actually say, “I love you and want to marry you.” This boy can be the answer to your prayers at first but he can get too intense way too fast. Obviously, Mr. Committer likes you—a lot—but generally, Mr. Committer is inexperienced and may be saying things or behaving the way in which he thinks girls want. Or he could be subconsciously sabotaging himself because he is so afraid of his feelings he is trying to creep you out and scare you away. Be nice to Mr. Committer but take a step back, take a breath, and if it gets too intense, be honest. Tell him you like him and are glad he likes you but that you are too young to make such a big commitment. You might then need to set boundaries about how often he should call you, etc.. It’s all about moderation; just like chocolate, sometimes you can’t have any and you crave it but sometimes you eat the whole box and get a stomach ache.
Mr. Rarety
Mr. Rarety is the honest boy who returns your attention, likes you, treats you like he likes you but does not smother you. Mr. Rarety doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship; however, Mr. Rarety has the tact, honesty and integrity to tell you that. Even when Mr. Rarety tells you he does like you for more than just a friend but he’s just not ready to date or be a boyfriend, do not cross him off your list. If you find this boy and he tells you he just wants to be friends, by all means, be just friends (which can admittedly sometimes be very difficult). Even if all this boy ever is is a friend, hang on to him because his honest-tactful-integrity can help you out in numerous other areas of your life as you grow up. A word of caution, though; don’t expend an inordinate amount of time looking for Mr. Rarity; many grown men have trouble with tactful honesty so expecting it from one whose voice hasn’t fully changed is a little naïve.
After your attempts to talk to the particular boy of your interest and decode his secret language, if you come to the conclusion he just doesn’t feel about you or isn’t interested in you the way you feel about and are interested in him, take a mental step back and think about who he is and who you are. Ask yourself how well you really know this person. Liking someone you don’t know such as someone famous or just the cute boy who sits in the back in your math class is totally normal. It also provides the opportunity for you to feel what you feel, explore those feelings and do a little daydreaming without the risk of actually having to date someone. You may realize your crush on someone unattainable, or maybe even inappropriate, means you are just not ready for a true romantic relationship and that is just fine. When you are ready, you will know it and you will eventually begin to have more realistic crushes.
A Few Reassurances And Pieces Of Advice:
Remember, most likely the first boy you go on a date with or even the boy you go to prom with is not going to be the man you marry. This may crush you at the time but don’t sweat it. Remember also that the cutest boy in school now may be balding and jobless by 30 and, conversely, the plainer, less descript guy may end up having the best sense of humor and attitude. And many a backwards boy has become a very handsome man. Besides, when you grow up, it’s hard to remember your classmates as anything other than boys and you might find when you do get married that your husband was not someone you would have been attracted to in school.
If you’re confused about your feelings, boys in general, or get frustrated, talk it out. Talk with your friends and have fun with it but don’t be too hard on them if they end up not being the best people to share with in this area; perhaps they haven’t been where you are yet or they may be jealous. Or maybe they like the same boy. Go ahead, gossip about who has a crush on who but be selective about who you talk to. Make sure you can trust them not to blab the identify of your crush to the whole school. Also, keep in mind if someone gossips about others with you (especially negative gossip), chances are they talk about you when you are not around as well. So be discreet if you don’t want Johnny to know you like him. If you have a hard time at all with your feelings, save the serious talks for older, wiser women. Your best bet is your own mom; her experiences will be most relevant and trust me, being open and honest with your mom is probably one of the best gifts you could ever give her. But if your mom is not available or you try to talk to her but she just can’t get past “my baby’s growing up and I can’t accept that”, try an aunt, friend’s mom, a much older sister, a teacher, school nurse, coach or librarian—any well-adjusted adult with healthy relationships will do. If she’s a girl and especially if she’s married, she’s been there. Even your dad or other trusted older male can be a good choice and give you some insight into what a boy is thinking.
Learn to laugh at yourself and the boys you encounter (though not to their face; that’s mean). Have fun and stay lighthearted. It’s hard, it hurts, but it is fun and exhilarating. The whole world is ahead of you. Enjoy it because braces, mortgages and car payments are not as far in the future as they may seem. Though waking up to the same man every day is wonderful and has its own reward, the big daily questions consist of milk or OJ and sports page or business section, not which boy might talk to me today or who might I go to the dance with? If you feel like you’re on a roller coaster ride, you are, but roller coaster rides are fun so hang on; it will be over soon enough.
