I was reading a writing magazine with several poems and I thought, “My poems are as good as these, why aren’t my poems in this magazine?” The answer? Because I never sent them in. So I think maybe I should submit some poems to this publication. Then I think but maybe I shouldn’t waste my time and effort because the order of the day in the writing business is, after-all, rejection. But the suppressed optimist lurking within exclaims, “But how else will you know?”
I pride myself on trying new things, breaking out of the box, pushing the envelope, and risking alienation, telling myself, even if I fail, at least I can say I tried and will not be left always wondering what could have been. Several years ago, I tried to go to law school. I studied, took the LSAT test, scored a respectable but average score, but did not get accepted at the two schools to which I applied. I was only marginally disappointed in my “failure” but happier for my courage to try. In the end, I realized it was good I didn’t get in because to be successful, I think my relationships would have suffered and after examining the attorneys in my life more closely, I decided being a full member of that club was not for me.
I am on the cusp of a new endeavor. I’ve dipped my toes into the pool for a long time and have sat on the side dangling my feet in a few times. Now, I am partially submerged, holding onto the safety of the pool’s side. I know I am going to jump in but am not quite ready, hoping if my legs get used to the temperature, the shock will be reduced when I let go. Fear is normal in this, as in so many, situations and I know it can be good because it helps to prove I am not jumping in naively, thinking the water will be comfortably warm when it is really ice-cold. I think the reason I’ve been flirting with the water so long is a combination of being older and “wiser”; being finally “grown up” and grown-out of silly notions like following dreams, taking a chances and striving to be “great”; and the stakes are high. Success is not as certain as in my other endeavors and I am not the only person who would be impacted by failure.
But I’ve thought about it long and hard, planned and am planning, learned and am learning. And deep down, I really believe I can succeed. And honestly, I’m not really “plunging” but rather slowly slipping into the water. I’m not certain yet if I’ll swim to the shallow end, to the deep end or continue to oscillate between the two. At this point, I would like to tend more toward the deep end where I can float freely, fluid in my movement, more creative and more elusive. But perhaps I will fall in love with the shallow end maybe so much I’ll invite others to join me. I know time will reveal all the answers; I just need to be patient; keep considering, planning and learning; and continue to follow my calling.
REMINDER: Comment to my blog or e-mail me at admin@jodiet.com with your log of comings and goings on Friday, November 6th and Saturday, November 7th. It’s not too late even if you don’t remember much about what you did. For more information, read last week’s, 11/2/2009, blog entry. Check next week’s blog entry for the results.
