As is almost always the case when people venture into unchartered territory, I have had some surprises while getting my business going. Nothing has been more surprising than how the process of securing clients has felt painfully like dating. I had a “boyfriend” who assured me if I moved away, our relationship would be fine. He couldn’t promise he’d be able to come to see me any minimum number of hours but he thought he could see me a sufficient number of hours to sustain our relationship. So I moved away, but when he calls me once on a Thursday wanting me to go on an out of town trip for him the following week but I can’t because I have a business meeting scheduled, he comes to see me for two hours and I’ve heard nothing from him since. So, I wonder was it something I said or something I did? Did I anger him somehow? Did he really drop me because I couldn’t commit to a weeklong trip with slightly over four days’ notice? Did he not understand what it meant to move away? It causes me to wonder if maybe my moving away was just a convenient way to get rid of me; a way to break up without him having to summon the courage to tell me our relationship was over.
I try to preserve my self-esteem. I tell myself my boyfriend is going through some changes in his life and when he works them out, he will reach out to me again. He had a friend who was away for awhile who recently returned so perhaps he is waiting to see how much time his friend will take and when he determines how much time he has left for me, he will call. Maybe things are just slow and he doesn’t have anything for me to do. I console myself by trying to convince myself the lack of contact is just coincidence or due to some unseen and unforeseen situation he didn’t anticipate. So I try to reach out to other clients.
My “boyfriend” kindly referred me to a friend I could spend some time with in my new locale. We spend several hours together and he seems really pleased with my company. He is very complimentary and even thanks my boyfriend for the referral. But now over a week has passed and I have not heard from him. So again my doubts about myself have been stirred. Was it something I said? Something I did? Did I make a grave mistake he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by pointing out to me? Did he find someone else? Did I spend more time than he wanted? I want to keep seeing him; I enjoyed the time and subject of our interactions. I hope he is just busy and will contact me when the more pressing situation he is working on currently resolves.
I got approximately half of the hours I would like to spend with a “boyfriend” so I’ve begun to reach out to others to see if they are interested in a “relationship” with me. I sent out some introductory letters; one returned my post-card indicating he wanted further information so I hope that yields some results. This also reminds me of dating—at least my experience with dating—in that it brings me some degree of anxiety and necessitates me shielding my self esteem. Marketing myself brings forth even more dating-type anxieties: Will he even look at me? Will he like me? Will I like him? Will he ask me out? Will he call? Will he not call? Do I want him to call? Why doesn’t he call? He said he’d call but why isn’t he calling? Will he invite me out again? And why doesn’t he call? Did I make him mad? Did I have something disgusting in my teeth? But alas, I will keep at it doing my best to do my best. I didn’t expect being in business to be easy; I knew there will be many hills and valleys, times it will be a breeze and times it will be a struggle. I will just hang in there, keep the bridge to my past boyfriend out of the flames, keep assuming any lack of contact from anyone has nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do, and keep trying to meet new people. And hopefully it will eventually turn out like my dating past with a happy enduring marriage, though likely more polygamous.
